today this guy told me that my dress made my ass look fat (he sad it as a 'compliment') and obviously since it was 8:30 I was too tired for that shit and I replied with 'saying my ass is fat wont make your dick any bigger' and when he tried to defend himself saying his dick was big enough I told him that it doesn’t count if he shoved two thirds of it in his personality and he just looked at me completely defenseless AND BASICALLY I STOLE THAT LINE FROM HERE BUT I SLAYED
Jon Stewart Goes After Fox in Powerful Ferguson Monologue
i like how when people say “i love couples with size difference” they mean tiny girls with waists so thin the large men they are dating can put their entire hand around them and by love i mean where the FUCK are my tiny vain princes and their huge muscular knight women who don’t put up with any of their shit and hoist them over their shoulders and walk off when they’re having a princely temper tantrum your all WEAK
This is Chester. When I was in Afghanistan I got a care package from one of those “Adopt a Soldier” programs that lets families send care packages to service men and women who are deployed overseas. Anyway, I got this care package, and it came with the usual stuff: Baby wipes, crackers, peanut butter, the Dad threw in a pack of cigarettes, and there was some jerky. But there was also a little beanie baby gold fish and a hand written note from a 7 year old girl that said
“Dear Soldier, (I wasn’t even mad)
I hope you are doing well. I’m sorry you have to miss thanksgiving with your family. This is my friend Chester. He keeps me safe from monsters, but I think you need him more than I do. I hope he keeps you safe from the monsters you’re fighting. Take good care of him for me”.
You bet your ass that little fish was in my pocket every time I went on patrol.
- Parent: What does a cow say?
- Baby: Moo!
- Parent: Yay!! What does a cat say?
- Baby: Meow!
- Parent: Great job! Now, what does a horse say?
- Baby: *crying voice* hey Marco, I can't even tell which bones are yours anymore
A tiger walks into a liquor store…there’s no punchline here.
Is that… a frisbee?
He just wants to play catch
What I love is that it obviously takes the person at the counter a few seconds to process that that is in fact a tiger.
Like, you kinda see their brain going “dog, nope, cat, big cat, big cat with stripes, SHIT, tiger!!!”
And the two people who go dashing out with the distinctive “I have just encountered an unexpected tiger SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT” run.
I like that the second guy leaves the chips or whatever those are. Like, he’s running and falling because TIGER but he will not accidentally shoplift
DOES ANYONE ELSE GET LIKE REALLY HAPPY WHEN SOMEONE LEANS THEIR HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDER AND YOURE LIKE FUCK YEAH IVE BEEN CHOSEN AND YOU FEEL REALLY SPECIAL BUT THEN YOU HAVE TO STAY SO FUCKIBG STILL COS IF YOU MOVE THEYLL STOP LEANING ON YOU AND ITS LIKE NO COME BACK IM SORRRRYUWYY